The Non Standard Bearer

I received some touch of the Holy Ghost this night. Affliction and many thoughts were battling me thru it. It’s the first in 2 years that I’ve had. Something that once was a regular and familiar occurrence for me, I’ve gone without for longer than I can ever remember.

I’ve feared for a long time that forgiveness has passed me by, tho I ultimately concluded months ago that I simply have not forgiven myself. Perhaps still haven’t. I carry a weight which I’ve been told most could not bear even a portion of it.

However I don’t feel strong. I feel weakened and feeble inside. I am not ready for another crisis right now. My mind is in shambles and my heart in too many pieces. My hopes and dreams scattered in too many directions … my physical health is wanting.

I don’t know what anything means anymore. I question where I stand with God. 

Why are my children without their natural father? Why did my wives and their mothers prove disloyal to God’s plan and our covenant with Him … ?

This is what weighs me down each day. How can I have peace when so many souls are being damned by their human bearers? How can I sleep at night knowing my children and their mothers are living lies. So many friends and family as well who have turned their backs on God as well as on me …

My burden goes beyond being just about me. I carry the sorrow that has been cast upon me, but I also feel the pain of such consequences of their actions that will decide their eternity …

I didn’t just fail my kids and my marriages. I failed at life. I failed that which I arrogantly presumed was God’s plan for my life.

I desired to be a standard bearer for holiness and truth. I ended up this broken, beaten warrior with no fight left.

If fighting demons was something like how it’s done in movies and tv, I may have had a better shot at it. But as it is my spiritual state right now is  is a shattered puzzle. All the pieces floating down a rapidly moving river …

No matter how much truth I know or even believe, my personal doubts and fears are always given more cause to keep me down …

Absence

I’m in the middle praying as I started this …

I have admittedly not done much reading directly from the Bible during these last 2 years. I’ve read scriptures, but not in the Book. Well I just read Psalm 40 and realized as it states preaching to the great congregation that I’ve only made videos and posted written messages online. Nobody is going to put me on a pulpit.

Ironically my larger following is only in Facebook. To add up all my pages and topics I may be close to 15,000. However not every topic is a biblical or political subject, so not all of them consist of people who would care to hear much truth about God or government.

I use other sites like YouTube, WordPress and I have a forum, but they are very small in numbers and nobody watches the videos that I’m aware of.

Some pages are littered with haters who I have their words blocked so no one sees their comments and so I’m not deleting and blocking them all day long.

I would have stopped all my FB pages a long time ago if it hadn’t been for the more positive responses I get during the last few years. Because honestly it’s very burdensome. Especially in my current state of mind which is no secret from anyone that has been paying attention.

Many of you have kept me in prayer, as well as a good minister friend of mine in Florida. The only minister I know who speaks the truth. He gets to go speak in churches all over his area. I think most of the people thosee congregations don’t change their ways, but he at least has their respect. He struggles financially also, but he has people in his life.

Where as I quite literally have no one. My goal and dream to be a minister and family man have both been utter failures mulitple times. Sometimes I have no idea why I still share on my ministry pages. Call it self created personal obligations I suppose.

Now this scenario where they want to push NWO agenda on us, and I don’t even have a job anymore. Great timing. It’s people like myself who are going to be caught up in this chaos first. I wish I had means to get out West or South of the border and get off the grid because I am not suited for being rounded up and forced into shelters or camps. I’ve already lived that way more than once and it’s an absolute nightmare.

Maybe I wouldn’t be any kind of resistance leader or revolutionary, but at least I’d be in a position to do things better than their way …

Afflicted To The Teeth

I mentioned my teeth the other day. Apparently I’ve never said anything bout them before. Well the emotional stress of the last several years did more harm to to my body and health than. My teeth had been breaking apart in he past but I could always still smile. And for a while there I took care them pretty well. But then a few years ago they started breaking up again and nothing I did was stopping it. I finally got them to stop breaking when I just had 2 top front teeth left and my front bottom row is mostly there, but broken up as well. i hadn’t considered that stress could be the cause the same as it affected the rest of my health until someone pointed that out to me.

My first wife, her job was going to allow me to use the dental insurance to fix things back then. Almost 10 years ago. Then during my 2nd marriage I had another chance because they were going put me on a payment plan, but could not complete the job all at once, it would have taken months. Needless to say we never got around to it after they took all the measurements in my mouth.

Well now yesterday I broke on the top teeth that were left, as i wasn’t self conscious enough already. I was going to look into getting the screwed in kind, but those are way too expensive and no insurance would cover them. I didn’t have insurance anyway. Nor could I afford to pay for insurance from my last employer. Too much was being taken out of my checks, and I was paying or transportation. So its really embarrassing for a guy like me who use to be very athletic, charismatic and well dressed to become this out of shape, nowhere in life, broken down, depressed failure …

Everyone thinks being a Godly person is suppose to be filled with peace, joy and happiness, well if you’re one who shares the truth no matter the consequences, its entirely the opposite. You lose people you love, your kids are taken from you, every one hates you have no friends and you’re alone all the time drowning in your own regrets and a cesspool of memory and thought.

Many of the prophets in the bible were not at peace, they were so torn by the lost souls around them and nobody listened. But life was also different in those times. You could get away with living off the land and how a man should live. you were not trapped by as much legalism and government regulation. God has sustained me in regards to surviving. but I have no peace with so many loved ones out there living lies. I hurt more for their souls than for the actions they took against me, as well for my children who do not know I exist …

Certainly you have your moments of genuine worship and gratitude towards God. Sadly, in most of today’s churches all the celebrating and hooting and hollering is not the Holy Ghost, those people are bewitched more often than not. Churches are so filled with paganism, idolatry and self serving reasons for being there. Even people of the world do not go because they know the church is doing everything wrong. I blame the church for what has happened to this country.

God doesn’t “Bless America” the way we seek because we have turned our backs on Him in the interest of self. Nobody believed Noah with the ark, but we swallow up every bit propaganda and false flag, scare tactic news the government and media feed us. People like me don’t get invited to speak at churches. And look at us now …

So I don’t just feel like a failure. The church and family and countless others have failed me … I fear for their souls as much as I fear for my coming days. I don’t feel ready. I feel too jaded and corrupted. Too heavily afflicted.