Bullying, Abuse & Guns

I don’t typically support use of the police except in extreme matters. Such as when my firearm was recent stolen.

However, I also don’t support an abused spouse wasting their time by lying about how he or she was injured. Especially falsely reporting something like that they were mugged, and the police have to investigate that lie.

For starters people in general should be armed. I doubt most spouses would ever get physically abusive if they knew it could get them shot. 😀 I mean my sidearm was on my hip from morning til night. Not all the time, but for the most part. You don’t have to shoot to kill, you don’t even have to hit the abuser as long he or she knows your serious. And in today’s society you can record what’s happening to prove self defense, even against one’s own spouse if they should unfortunately and suddenly become a violent individual …

I also hate how an abused spouse gets into trouble if they finally do take their own actions against the abuser because no one else did or could. That’s not justice. That’s punishment for protecting yourself. Any jury who could convict a victim is sick. There are reasons why I would want a jury of complete strangers to judge me.

Of course it’s worse if the shooter suddenly acts as if they had no idea their abuser was shot …

Just like when I was in high school and everytime I stood up to a bully, I was the one sent home. All this anti bullying campaigning is bogus because we live under rule of bullying and violence against us. And all we do is tolerate it …

Highway To Nowhere

“In my vain life I have seen everything. There is a righteous man who perishes in his righteousness, and there is a wicked man who prolongs his life in his evildoing. Be not overly righteous, and do not make yourself too wise. Why should you destroy yourself?” Ecc. 7:15-16
 
The series Supernatural was originally suppose to end in season 5, and during that season, and I think 4 as well things that are currently happening were predicted. I previously posted about the virus, forced vaccinations and banning gatherings causing chaos and panic, but there is also stuff about storms. and here we are in the midst of those very things with a huge storm going up the coast.
 
Of course the only thing new is the masks that millions of blind sheep don’t even stand up against. I don’t wear one, and will not wear one, but where I am living nobody is forcing me to either.
 
Its honestly shameful and embarrassing to even be out in public. Not everyone is wearing a mask, but more people are now than there were two months ago. The only thing that’s spreading is stupidity.
 
“I turned my heart to know and to search out and to seek wisdom and the scheme of things, and to know the wickedness of folly and the foolishness that is madness. And I find something more bitter than death: the woman whose heart is snares and nets, and whose hands are fetters.” Ecc. 7:25-26
 
I feel like if I am going to be left with no choice but to hit the road, that I am essentially being driven to go to open spaces, even tho I do not feel ready for such a venture. Having been homeless 3 times before, and not having a vehicle or motorcycle to travel, drifting on foot in these times is not something I look forward to doing …
 
I am 40 years too late on the backpacking across country being a common thing anymore. With so much government marked land and no freedom to just set up camp anywhere, its rough. I went thru Indiana and Kentucky on foot, and the police were harassing me everywhere. I lack the knowledge to know which wooded areas I can freely travel thru and which back roads lead anywhere. I won’t have an active phone with GPS either.
 
All I know is everything I desire, that being a wife and home, a country living, etc … I’ve had a taste of family life and trying to start a ministry more than once. Those were the only times I was ever at peace and felt happy. I never had a plan b for life.
 
“Surely oppression drives the wise into madness” Ecc. 7:7
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Feeding The Beast

“My loved ones and my friends stand aloof from my plague,
And my relatives stand afar off.
Those also who seek my life lay snares for me;
Those who seek my hurt speak of destruction,
And plan deception all the day long”

Psalm 38 :11-12

God is not to blame for the problems in the world, but I do understand people’s anger because He did banish Lucifer and left him to rule on Earth. I understand the misguided reasoning that God turned His back on His creation. Truth be told mankind has turned away from God, and it has at times become difficult to decipher between blessings from God or gifts from the devil that keep people blind.

Faith is proven during tragedy. Tho, there are the rare few people in the truth who do live decent lives. They’re family history is probably not riddled and dirtied with too much sin.

Unlike mine. I have been unable to escape whatever generational curse or sins of the father mysteries are in my ancestry. It has kept me from marriage and family life more than once. It has kept me from financial stability. I’ve been homeless 3 times and staring at the possibility again. My own children are either unaware of my existence or their mothers have raised them with lies. My oldest is at an age accountability now, and it scares me …

I fear for their upbringings as it is. The influences around them. I’m tired of being forced to constantly focus on my circumstances when people I love are lost …

“Confounded be all they that serve graven images, that boast themselves of idols” Psalm 97:7

 

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People have become so self entitled, whether they’re poor, middle class or wealthy. We blame God for bad things in the world, but what do we do about them? Nothing! Those of us who have tried are shot down and rejected.

We don’t stand against the right things, we riot and destroy our own communities, we allow government, politics and media to control our every move and choice with fear and advertisement. We feed the very beast that we claim freedom from …

 

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My frustrations are at people, at myself and yes at moments they are at God. I am no better than anyone else. I just know the reality of things, and don’t shy away from it.

That of course heavily contributes to why my life is the way it is. There is no balance for me. It’s all one sided. Whatever dark history is in my family line along with my own dark past combined with the persecution as well as personal and financial hardships. It’s all worked against me for over 4 decades …

Nothing I’ve ever done or said has made a difference or started any kind of revolution. I’ve seen people lose their jobs for helping me in my struggles. And others who have helped me eventually turn their backs on me as well because I remained steadfast in my beliefs on biblical truths.

Most people don’t believe it’s possible to have nothing because most people never experienced such a thing. Most people also have not been homeless 3 times and aren’t looking at it happening again.

I haven’t written a biblical message in many months because I am so weighed down with everything. It’s all can do just to kneel in prayer most of the time.

My messages in the past have included personal matters and experiences, but it’s different now. My mind is too cluttered with stress and my heart is too overwhelmed with emotion. Even if I may be having some spiritual breakthrough, my life in general is still in need of saving, and still desperate for stable normalcy …

“But my enemies are vigorous, and they are strong;
And those who hate me wrongfully have multiplied.” Psalm 38:19

 

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No Way Out

The feminist hypocrisy took over in more than just soap operas.

“I love you and I always will but that doesn’t matter, it’s over between us” … was a line from the series Charmed. Stupid double minded witchcraft.

Charmed did more than just inspire witchcraft. It evolved more into a feminist double standard hypocrisy and Leo, who was suppose to be an all powerful Angel became a whipped dog allowing himself to be bossed around …

So much of what we see today is the power that’s been given to women to ruin a man’s life. A man with money or just the right friends and influence can ruin a woman’s life, but a woman doesn’t need money, she can use the law …

I have no money, friends or influence. So it was easy for the mothers of my children to ruin me over and over again. I never had a back up for being a family man and minister. So here I am still in poverty, looking at being a homeless a 4th time, all because I’ve been left alone in a society where “white privilege” is a lie …

We see so many depictions of women with dragons or serpents, and it helps encourage “girl power” but the reality is that it’s the devil influencing such idealism. Feminism is not bout equality. It’s about control. The same is said for a certain identity illness. That is also about destroying manhood.

We are distracted by racial issues, fake fear mongering news about disease and war, so many false flags and paper tigers thrown in our faces as well as the entertainment and sports industries keeping us from revolting.

We think just because the political leaders are mostly men that means anything. They’re all puppets too, and women do a lot to influence things in politics and espionage just as they do in our churches, keeping them bewitched and outside of God’s truth …

My own defiance against the iniquities of society has contributed to my overall failure in life. The consequences of reactions from haters of truth have caused so much damage. Not only in my life, but in those of my children who even if any of them know about me, are being raised with lies …

It’s gotten so bad I can lose a job on only my second day for something that I could not possibly be faulted for as an untrained, unpracticed employee. Reasons and logic have never been needed for the universe to work against me. I’ve suffered tragedy after tragedy and betrayal after betrayal since before I was 10 years old. I’m 43 now, and my life is nothing but a dark, painful, lonely existence as a result of my efforts, my faith, and my boldness.

Even my prayers of late have not yet granted me a way out and nowhere to run …

 

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Afflicted Pariah

I have tried getting my prayer warrior groove back and I just don’t seem to have it in me anymore. I’ve been beaten back down in battle so many times

I know from experience that heroism in stories and movies is not realistic. People who lose and sacrifice for things like the truth with the intent of saving others are usually suffering such loss and betrayal because of those people they tried to save. And they usually end up alone with no one …

Something they say I these hero stories is the stubbornness and constant defiance always makes things worse and the enemies more angry. However the heroes typically have a support system and are now always alone. Whereas I do not …

If I died right now nobody would know for days, maybe weeks when they came looking for the rent. Which at this point I may not even have …

Nobody online would ever know and there is no one to call and inform. If anyone were to get on my computer or devices and see my pages and files, who knows what they would do …

My kids and their mothers would never know. My own family would never know.

I know that in my current situation I should just hit the road as I’ve talked about, but like most things I just need the excuse that would justify it. Or I need a place to go, but nobody is out there waiting for me, or looking for me …

This is my persecution, my own personal, emotional Hell. I have no legacy. I have served no purpose beyond being like a sacrificial lamb so others can live in their life of lies.

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The Perfect Sad Story

I’ve concluded that the devil has enjoyed screwing with my life to keep me focused and worrying about myself in order to distract me from doing whatever it is I always believed I am suppose to be doing for God.
Yes I need steady work to survive, and I am no good alone, especially now going everyday with the knowledge that my kids and their mothers are all living a lie. Which really in turn makes me feel as though my life is a lie, but which part I do not know anymore. Is all this struggle and hardship the lie, or was the family life where I had begun an active ministry, and kept an active prayer life … was that the lie?
I can no longer decipher between what my reality should be and what my life actually is. Granted one can still be very active in prayer no matter the condition of their circumstances, that is not what I meant.
I have had my moments when I could pray and meditate despite the despair of my lost loved ones, but the added stress of knowing I could be homeless again for a fourth time is not helping to encourage things.
My life in general, my physical health, even my motivation is so badly damaged its like a bad habit continually trying to reach an unattainable goal or even hope …
I admit my own acts of sin over the years has likely contributed to much of my undoing. However, the actions of others have played a major role in keeping me down, such as being completely robbed the 2 jobs I mentioned previously that lasted less then 2 days earlier this week, and the job before that … thru no fault of my own.
I can make remarks like its a big a cosmic joke or the universe just won’t allow me to climb. I mean my own efforts haven’t changed anything. Faith and prayer certainly didn’t save either of my marriages. Its as if all I am doing is making the world more and more angry at me for even trying …
So you tell me just what i am suppose to do? There are no answers. There is no logic. No one understands it, no one has ever been able to explain it. A lot of people can’t accept how my life has always operated. Over the decades other people just keep saying it will get better soon. Worst cliche EVER!
I am so tired of being told how strong I am because I survived so many years of persecution and pain without drugs or drinking. I have not survived anything. My life is an utterly dark failure. Chapter after chapter of the perfect sad story …
I just seem to exist with no direction. I’ve been a tool of some evil’s sick entertainment, and I am not finding salvation to escape it …

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The Porch View

I think it’s time I informed whomever it may concern that I paid my rent. I do believe the neighbor is moving, but he still stays here at night so I don’t know what’s happening.

Anyway, I may have a job to start if I can get passed the testing at the agency. It’s not one I’m looking forward to either because I will have to ride my bike there and back the first 2 weeks, and wear steel toe boots. My body is already in really bad shape. I may not last longer than the first 2 paychecks.

However, if I don’t get on and nothing else changes, I could be leaving anyhow, and with no money. My bug out bag is still packed. My Bible is so big that if I start walking the sweat alone will wear on the cover and pages of it from carrying it in my hand.

I’m not sure what to do in my situation as a whole. Another crappy short term job is not working for a living. My previous jobs were work, they were trades, and I got comfortable at them, therefore I lost them.

When all I did was deliver papers, and for part of that time I received truck and did stock at a McDonalds, I was not comfortable. I had to quit those to lose them. The same as being stuck in this building. I’ve been on edge and never relaxed most of the 2 and a half years that I’ve been here. So I have not been able to escape it.

It’s only when I get comfortable, grateful and appreciative of what I have that I lose them. Wive’s and kids included. No amount of time in prayer or even fasting stopped those losses.

Whatever atonement for my past I am paying for, my kids nor the souls of their mothers deserve the consequences anymore than I do …

My faith is so badly jaded. I pray and meditate now with little expectations. I have asked for things, for a new and loyal companion, for better living circumstances, even for the means to replace my teeth. Still I am here in this place, alone, haunted and tormented by the sorrow of my lost or stolen loved ones …

I don’t belong in this life. I belong somewhere I can sit on my porch at dawn and look out over a body of water, a field, both. Where I can work the land, hunt, care for horses, etc. Things that men were once free to do and without regulation, and have nothing to do with just making money to merely survive a miserable existence …

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” Tolkien

Some of us have always been on a dark road. Regardless if where our faith lies.

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The Drifter (Tonight)

June 12

I’m in an impossible situation here with my neighbor and even asking God to deal with him somehow hasn’t changed anything.

Information I read about neighbor harassment says to gather, but I already did that,and nobody wanted to see it. I held up my phone camera, pointed it at the wall and recorded his actions on several occasions. I quit doing it because it takes up memory, nobody cares to look at them. Not the landlord or the police. And he is just too random when choosing to hit the wall or yell thru it at me. He even knocks on my door now with onlooking hallway cameras and he is getting away with it because he isn’t being punished …

So clearly reporting him anymore is useless. He just lies and keeps right on going. Unfortunately the only actions left for me to take would just get me thrown out or arrested. That’s how the law works. The person who is driven to retaliate because no one does anything is the one who gets into trouble …

And constantly going to the police will also lead to me being thrown out as well …

My headphones only block so much. When he hits the wall,my whole room shakes.

I’ve lived up here for over 2 years causing no trouble. There is no place for me to go except back on the road to be homeless in Florida again.

I’ve seen residents up here get tossed for far less, and yet because this so something that’s disturbing only me, it isn’t being stopped. That’s the typical story of how my life goes.

This guy brags or lies to others in the hall about his behavior and they take his side …

I need someplace else to go. But of course having lost yet another job thru the temp agency, I don’t have any source of income once again.

So if the landlords don’t stop him, the law doesn’t stop him, and prayer has neither stopped him nor helped to improve my living or financial circumstances …

Becoming a drifter for the 4th time like I was considering just over a month ago when I was jobless is all I’m left with … and I don’t want to do that either. However my kids have no idea I exist because of my previous homeless experiences, so why does it matter anymore?

Heading south west, I might be better off the way things are looking, and I certainly don’t wish to pay rent to keep staying here like this …

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Fake Life June 9th

 

I’ve asked prayer for my health. I’ve asked prayer for my neighbor. I’ve sked prayer for my job and living situation and I’ve asked prayer in the past over my marriages. Yet nothing really improves. My recent job was perfect enough to keep me satisfied and I lost that because I got too comfortable.

I truly believe the only reason I’ve lasted over this bar for more than 2 stressful, painstaking years is because I’ve never felt comfortable here. I’m always on edge and can never relax. I’ve rarely been to spend any time praying.

My headphones drown out everything this neighbor does until he decides to hit the wall. I can both hear and feel that from across my room every time he does it.

I have too many needs. I’m too desperate. I’m about to hit the road. It’s no easier living like I am now than it was being homeless. So what difference does it make … Waiting on a job agency to get me a new job every couple months is not worth it to keep living in these conditions. I’ve had no fortune getting hired directly anywhere. If it was for a family and household than I would endure it, but as things are, there is no reason or rhyme to it …

My kids are all living lies. So what does that make my life?

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Current Situation Since May 27

So I haven’t posted much recently, and I usually only ask for prayer regarding my health. I can still use that. However this is about my neighbor’s behavior ever since I started my current job. In the last few weeks he has been utterly disrespectful of the fact that I work first shift. He bangs on the wall, blasts his music, turns up the bass, yells thru the wall and harasses me. I don’t react to him, but ignoring him hasn’t made him stop. The owners know about it. If anything has been said to him, he doesn’t care. And I know they can also feel his bass downstairs as well. I’m the only room next to his so its not affecting anyone else. If it was, he would have been thrown out already … So I need prayer to resolve this because any action or reaction on my part will only get me in trouble. Including involving the police. I’ve tried during the last 2 years to find somewhere else to live where I have my bathroom again. Clearly I’m stuck here unless I can save the money to leave and go somewhere warm again. I have no reason to keep staying in this cold state since my 2nd marriage ended. I’ve been alone and completely miserable staying over this bar for the last 2 years. The neighbors are worse than the bar. I need a way out and into better living circumstances … I miss my loved ones, but I also having a porch and a yard …

June 3rd

So update on this. Nothing has changed. I’ve even got recorded evidence of his behavior and deliberate harassment. I’m barely getting out of bed for work. Calling the police in this building will just get me thrown out … I almost came to blows with him today and other people are taking his side. I could potentially get thrown out just for complaining again and I still have to pay rent this week to keep living in these conditions

June 8th

Well to add to the stress of a bad neighbor, I just got dropped from a job I actually liked and was looking forward to being directly hired on. Stories were completely made up likely because one person had an issue with me. I tried getting the job back to no avail …