The Non Standard Bearer

I received some touch of the Holy Ghost this night. Affliction and many thoughts were battling me thru it. It’s the first in 2 years that I’ve had. Something that once was a regular and familiar occurrence for me, I’ve gone without for longer than I can ever remember.

I’ve feared for a long time that forgiveness has passed me by, tho I ultimately concluded months ago that I simply have not forgiven myself. Perhaps still haven’t. I carry a weight which I’ve been told most could not bear even a portion of it.

However I don’t feel strong. I feel weakened and feeble inside. I am not ready for another crisis right now. My mind is in shambles and my heart in too many pieces. My hopes and dreams scattered in too many directions … my physical health is wanting.

I don’t know what anything means anymore. I question where I stand with God. 

Why are my children without their natural father? Why did my wives and their mothers prove disloyal to God’s plan and our covenant with Him … ?

This is what weighs me down each day. How can I have peace when so many souls are being damned by their human bearers? How can I sleep at night knowing my children and their mothers are living lies. So many friends and family as well who have turned their backs on God as well as on me …

My burden goes beyond being just about me. I carry the sorrow that has been cast upon me, but I also feel the pain of such consequences of their actions that will decide their eternity …

I didn’t just fail my kids and my marriages. I failed at life. I failed that which I arrogantly presumed was God’s plan for my life.

I desired to be a standard bearer for holiness and truth. I ended up this broken, beaten warrior with no fight left.

If fighting demons was something like how it’s done in movies and tv, I may have had a better shot at it. But as it is my spiritual state right now is  is a shattered puzzle. All the pieces floating down a rapidly moving river …

No matter how much truth I know or even believe, my personal doubts and fears are always given more cause to keep me down …

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