The Perfect Sad Story

I’ve concluded that the devil has enjoyed screwing with my life to keep me focused and worrying about myself in order to distract me from doing whatever it is I always believed I am suppose to be doing for God.
Yes I need steady work to survive, and I am no good alone, especially now going everyday with the knowledge that my kids and their mothers are all living a lie. Which really in turn makes me feel as though my life is a lie, but which part I do not know anymore. Is all this struggle and hardship the lie, or was the family life where I had begun an active ministry, and kept an active prayer life … was that the lie?
I can no longer decipher between what my reality should be and what my life actually is. Granted one can still be very active in prayer no matter the condition of their circumstances, that is not what I meant.
I have had my moments when I could pray and meditate despite the despair of my lost loved ones, but the added stress of knowing I could be homeless again for a fourth time is not helping to encourage things.
My life in general, my physical health, even my motivation is so badly damaged its like a bad habit continually trying to reach an unattainable goal or even hope …
I admit my own acts of sin over the years has likely contributed to much of my undoing. However, the actions of others have played a major role in keeping me down, such as being completely robbed the 2 jobs I mentioned previously that lasted less then 2 days earlier this week, and the job before that … thru no fault of my own.
I can make remarks like its a big a cosmic joke or the universe just won’t allow me to climb. I mean my own efforts haven’t changed anything. Faith and prayer certainly didn’t save either of my marriages. Its as if all I am doing is making the world more and more angry at me for even trying …
So you tell me just what i am suppose to do? There are no answers. There is no logic. No one understands it, no one has ever been able to explain it. A lot of people can’t accept how my life has always operated. Over the decades other people just keep saying it will get better soon. Worst cliche EVER!
I am so tired of being told how strong I am because I survived so many years of persecution and pain without drugs or drinking. I have not survived anything. My life is an utterly dark failure. Chapter after chapter of the perfect sad story …
I just seem to exist with no direction. I’ve been a tool of some evil’s sick entertainment, and I am not finding salvation to escape it …

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