The Porch View

I think it’s time I informed whomever it may concern that I paid my rent. I do believe the neighbor is moving, but he still stays here at night so I don’t know what’s happening.

Anyway, I may have a job to start if I can get passed the testing at the agency. It’s not one I’m looking forward to either because I will have to ride my bike there and back the first 2 weeks, and wear steel toe boots. My body is already in really bad shape. I may not last longer than the first 2 paychecks.

However, if I don’t get on and nothing else changes, I could be leaving anyhow, and with no money. My bug out bag is still packed. My Bible is so big that if I start walking the sweat alone will wear on the cover and pages of it from carrying it in my hand.

I’m not sure what to do in my situation as a whole. Another crappy short term job is not working for a living. My previous jobs were work, they were trades, and I got comfortable at them, therefore I lost them.

When all I did was deliver papers, and for part of that time I received truck and did stock at a McDonalds, I was not comfortable. I had to quit those to lose them. The same as being stuck in this building. I’ve been on edge and never relaxed most of the 2 and a half years that I’ve been here. So I have not been able to escape it.

It’s only when I get comfortable, grateful and appreciative of what I have that I lose them. Wive’s and kids included. No amount of time in prayer or even fasting stopped those losses.

Whatever atonement for my past I am paying for, my kids nor the souls of their mothers deserve the consequences anymore than I do …

My faith is so badly jaded. I pray and meditate now with little expectations. I have asked for things, for a new and loyal companion, for better living circumstances, even for the means to replace my teeth. Still I am here in this place, alone, haunted and tormented by the sorrow of my lost or stolen loved ones …

I don’t belong in this life. I belong somewhere I can sit on my porch at dawn and look out over a body of water, a field, both. Where I can work the land, hunt, care for horses, etc. Things that men were once free to do and without regulation, and have nothing to do with just making money to merely survive a miserable existence …

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” Tolkien

Some of us have always been on a dark road. Regardless if where our faith lies.

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