Reckless Abandon (The Meaningless)

My job at K.I. has ended. Next week I start somewhere else that I don’t even want to go, but I felt like God gave me a message today saying to accept the position at least for now …

It’s been impossible for me to sleep at night since the job ended, and I can’t sleep during the day because the building owner are replacing all the doors this week and it’s super noisy …

I’d give anything to be on the couch with my wife getting ready to go meet my step daughter at the bus stop.

You know how hard it is day to day to differentiate between the love for my first wife and my second wife as I miss them both equally, although for different reasons. As well as my daughter with my first wife.

It certainly doesn’t help when both women have the same name.

And then there are my sons … and previous fiance’s. I’ve been thru too many relationships, friendships and betrayals …

I need something back, someone back. I’m only a couple blocks from my home here. The place I put so much of myself into. The kids and their mother I prayed so desperately to keep and restore what we started out to be …

But no … I am abandoned this meaningless existence where even my efforts at work make no impact.

Sure, I’ve helped people even while I’ve been saddened. I’ve known when certain moments are from God. However, it has no influence over the way I feel.

Having my own family has been the oh time I’ve ever felt truly happy and at peace no matter what troubles may come. Yes, I failed for my part. Though, I did not betray or cheat on them and leave them homeless. Nor would I ever have done so …

Hardships and struggles are part of marriage. They’re not reasons to recklessly abandon that which God gives. They’re not to be so easily forgotten, and both my wives did just that … I fear for their souls and for the souls of my children.

I fear for my own soul …

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