The Crusader

There was this episode of Happy Days where Richie had a motorcycle accident and Fonzie actually broke down crying in the hospital room praying to God. He said the world needs people like him …

I started to think about the kinds of people the world actually does need, and if my life is evidence of anything, it’s that the world doesn’t want certain kinds of people, such as myself. No matter how much they may need them.

I spent so many years and so much energy trying to teach, praying to save people, praying to save 2 marriages, and all I were too many badly ending relationships, friends and girlfriends. I got several children who had their father stolen from them and are being raised by lies and imposters, I was left homeless multiple times. That list just goes on …

My heart hurts for much more than just myself. And I feel wasted because all the people who have prayed for me, their prayers have accomplished little more than keeping me sustained. All I feel is more and more misery every day, and not just for myself, but for my children who have forgotten me, for their mothers who betrayed God and me, as well as our kids.

Every moment of my day is overwhelmed by memories and thoughts of how I should be living. The stress of having very little money after paying 300$ a month to live over a bar with shared facilities only weighs me down even more …

I’m too scared and too jaded to move. To try and change my circumstances. I had 2 jobs for a short time, but the second job just wasn’t going to stick. The kinds of things I’ve always been good would have brought me success in a different time. I don’t just mean financial success, but success in life …

You gotta understand. Women are not the only part of my life that has mistreated me and beaten me down. I’m 42 and I’ve never known anything but tragedy and loss since an early age. And every single time I ever stood back up and fought back against the wind … I was struck back down by lightning until I just couldn’t stand anymore. So now I’m just barely and literally dragging myself thru each day, and getting absolutely nothing out of life …

It’s just this shadowy flight into the boring, lonely world of an unwanted and lone crusader who does not exist.

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