I really don’t know what I’m more angry about anymore. That she is teaching her daughter how to be a lying harlot and robbed her of a second father, or that I have once again been robbed of a life, perhaps the best one I ever lived before things began falling apart. Or at myself for screwing up too many times instead of being the stronger person. Or perhaps its more fear now. Fear that I will be living like this for the rest of my years …
Because I keep saying it. I do not want another replacement family, or replacement daughter or dog or whoever. I don’t want another replacement life. God brought me here to be this families leader and minister. Yes I failed for my part, but I spent my last several months praying and still sharing The Word. All for the sake and purpose of restoring that home to what we once started to be.
All that wasted energy. All the time crying in secret prayer, even at the altar. All the fight I put into it. Especially getting Grace back in the Bible and praying with me … Just for the devil to keep getting a stronger hold on the home and be allowed to remove me as a threat to his goals.
I will never understand or accept why God would allow this … why He is still allowing it. It has caused me to lose heart. I merely read a few verses a day now and make weak attempts at prayer out of habit, out of going thru the motions. I am wasting away accomplishing nothing, watching movies on the laptop all day. Because I simply do not know what else to do with myself.
I had a life in that home. Things and people I cared about and projects and tasks and animals to tend to. All of that has been stolen from me and some devils puppet is reaping what I sowed! Another daughter is growing up with lies about me. And two brothers who’s relationship with me dwindled because of video games and computers …
And their mother who took no accountability or responsibility for her part in this ruination and going against Gods plan. Who spoke only lies about me during my last weeks in that home.
Who forgot everything God meant us for …

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