Persecution (Personal)

Personal:

Christ warned us that no persecution we could suffer would be worse than what He suffered. Really?

Christ was put to death after torture. I’m certainly minimizing that. I’m just saying that unless He went thru some accounts we have been uninformed about, He didn’t live day after day haunted by having children growing up with out Him. He didn’t deal with knowing His wife was an adulterer and living a lie. He wasn’t alone all of the time. His mother didn’t abandon Him, He had friends always loyal to Him.

Not to mention there really wasn’t any such thing as homelessness as we know it back then. People were free to travel, hunt, gather, fish and camp where ever they felt like stopping. Without ever spending a dime!

People like to say that God never changed, times and people changed. Fine, but that doesn’t help me live the way a man has the natural born right to live. That doesn’t improve my circumstances any.

You also have to realize that Jesus was already predestined to be raised and brought back to Heaven. I go thru each day scared I won’t make it because of how all this has affected me and my spiritual walk.

It’s become so easy for me to see the other side that the nonbelievers carry on about, and I completely understand why they feel the way they do.

My frustration is this, that I hold God to His own standards, and I am not wrong to do that. Yet, He does nothing more than sustain me, leave me to worry and stress over everything. He does nothing to change my situation or give me a secure opportunity to change things.

I mean the economic state should not have any impact of God employing me with something secure right?

He continues allowing my daughter to live this lie her adulteress mother is dragging her thru. NOTHING justifies that. If He is working on my wife she is rebelling pretty strong.

I don’t care about Job or anyone in the Bible. I’m not them. I don’t live in a free land where I can survive self sufficiently. I don’t have the resources or ability to obtain those privileges. Nor do I have any desire to appear, act or belittle myself the way all these others do in this lifestyle.

A lifestyle many of them choose to live and be irresponsible drunks and drug addicts. I don’t affiliate with them. I don’t talk to most of them and I sure don’t want most of them around me. Smelling, wearing the same clothes everyday, many are mentally unstable.

I’ve said it before, some would say “you have an opportunity to witness” … These people don’t care. Most of them already know. This is not like when Jesus witness to criminals. These people are not interested in changing.

I set an example by being as much of a nonconformist as possible. By holding up certain morals. However, if anything some of them would just say I think I’m better than them. I might be to some measure, but I don’t believe myself to be much of anything. It’s a lot of stress maintaining my moral standards and keeping my composure right now.

This is an emotional Hell, a prison without bars that I cannot escape. My spirit is dead. My faith is gone, and yet I still somehow believe that God can turn that all around in one fell swoop.

I wouldn’t wish my circumstances on any man. To go thru what I am without purpose, with no ties, nobody loving me or for me to love. My daughter was the last person I knew love from. When she started forgetting me I felt it. I’ve been dead ever since.

This week is Cassidy’s 3rd birthday, and she is celebrating with liars and Pharisees. Don’t even pretend you have any freaking clue what I’m feeling …

God has the power to do much more than He has been. I don’t know what else He wants from me. I have nothing left to give …

Not even death would be a release because I don’t know where I’d end up. I don’t know what scares me more. Where death would send me, or living the rest of my life alone and abandoned by the only person who you’re never supposed to be betrayed by …

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